When a perfectionist grows in God’s grace

John 12:24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

She is finally done with her perfectionist ways.  She is exhausted from relentlessly working her plan. The plan that never meets her expectations.  The plan that makes her insecure and fearful.  The plan that has her regretting every mistake and wishing she were further along in her journey.

No matter how hard she tries, she is disappointed with the outcome. It is never good enough. So, she is done with this plan. It is not beneficial to growth.

She knows she needs to die. Die to the old self.  So, she buries herself in the dirt like a seed and asks God to water her.  She believes that if she lets go of her desire for control and the longing to make herself great, then God will take over and make her into the flower she is meant to be.

She lays her hopes, dreams and plans before God and waits for the transformation.  She moves forward with her plans fully accepting that they may veer into another direction. At times it is difficult for her to wait for the bud to break free and show itself to the world.  Her old self would start worrying about what the bud will look like when it matures. But this time she trusting and staying focused on the present. All the energy she put into self-improvement and self-preservation is now being directed towards learning how to abide in Christ and rest in Him.  

She stays, she lingers, she believes.   With Christ there is no rushing to become somebody.  There is no frantic pace that is hounded by a ticking clock.  Rather, there is an intense focus on the amazing grace of God through Christ that calms the restless soul and whispers the words that everything is going to be alright.   

Because she chooses to abide in Christ, this grace teaches her that she will never be perfect.  In fact, despite all her efforts to be good and right, she will still sin and mess up.  But Jesus has her covered.  Covered in his love and mercy. He has invited her to come and sit with him when she feels ashamed and wants to run and hide.  She is compelled to be with the one who sees her for who she really is.  This unconditional love frees her from her shame and gives her the courage to become the flower she is meant to be.

One day the bud breaks free.  It is exhilarating to know there is so much potential in this little bud.  With this bud comes the ability to dream. Her imagination does not get overshadowed anymore by feelings of dread and uneasiness.  This is because her perspective has changed. She now believes that no matter what may happen, she will be exactly where she belongs and will be exactly what God has created her to be.  Nothing more and nothing less.  Failure is an opportunity to grow.  Disappointment gives her a reason to spend more uninterrupted time with her Savior.  

The bud is lifted off the dirt as the stem grows.  Each day it reaches higher into the air and then it finally happens.  The bud becomes a flower. The colors of the pedal are an intense shade of purple with bright yellow ligaments in the center. The stem leans towards the sun and rejoices each time it is watered.  The glory of God’s creation is reason for celebration.  The work of God is good.

She knows that the pedals of her flower will blow off in the wind and it will be time to die again.  She will need to become a seed once more and wait again for the bud to burst free from the dirt.  She is ok with this continual dying of oneself.  With each death, she also comes back to life.  She chooses to die repeatedly so that life can occur.  This regeneration is thrilling and breathtaking and makes her feel alive.  She breathes a breath of relief.  She has become the flower.

2 Peter 3:18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.